your everything i want & everything i dont want at the same time. i hate you then i love you . i want you but i know it’s not right . i know we can make it right but how ? we both try our hardest to be perfect for one another , but its never enough . is it even ok for two people to have to change THAT much just to be in a relationship ? & how can you be happy in a relationship with someone who wants to change you from the real you ? i have SO many questions running through my head !!! im happy with the person im with im just not happy with the way we run our relationship. its like a dictatorship ! or maybe its cuhs i havent lived my life to the fullest extent . i want to be able to party & have friends but can you really do that & have a boyfriend ? i mean you can but do you REALLY enjoy yourself ? or do you hold back because your partner is there ? its just not fair i wish there was a easy way around this ! i wish i could keep you & my life ! I dont want to loose neither ! but you dont make this easy . its either i do what you say or i loose you .
getting over you
this is a new long and very hard process , this is only day one so im allowing weakness . i thought this was it for me, you were going to be that ONE. but i guess i put to many of my eggs in one basket. i never thought i could love the way i loved you. and its sad it has to go to waste. you were the greatest love ive witnessed. there wasnt ANYTHING i wouldnt do for you. i was ready to become the mother of your children and throw away all my family just to be the one who carried your first child. i had a feeling this was going to happen i just had to much hope, i was blinded by love. i feel like i became obsessed, i did. i still am. i want you all to myself , i always have. but since the beggining i had to share you. you dont understand how you’ve broken my heart. i dont think its possible for me to love another , none the less give them what i gave you. there none of me left to share. and i guess this is what you wanted. to have me , use me and make sure no one else gets me. it’s ashame, i saw all the good in you. we could’ve made it, i still beilive it. but will i put myself through that pain again? maybe…. i know i shouldnt but a year of one person being your everything . from dusk to dawn that person is on your mind or with you. its hard to just forget about them. i wish i could, i have a year worth of memories playing through my head. and i cant seem to find any of the bad ones to help me through this. if i could honestly hate you, this wouldnt be as hard. but i know i will never hate you. i miss you already and its killing me . im contemplating on not covering up your name. it sounds stupid but its like our relationship, it looks beautiful but it hurt like hell. deep in my heart you will always be mine & i think thats whats going to hurt the worse. it already hurts. i opened up to you like i never had before. ive cried to you and youve cried to me. i wanna beilive you really honestly loved me but i have no proof. no actions or words… im left with absolutely NOTHING. i wish i could remove this pain in my heart and the feeling in my stomach. i know that feeling is me wanting to run into your arms and make everything alright . but i cant anymore. you’ve hurt me more than i even know i could be hurt. i wanted nothing but you , i wouldve sacrificed it all , i wish you could see that see how much i loved you , how much i cared for you . i hope you realize it all before its too late. god , how i loved you…. how i still love you… i wish you would just turn into the man i want you to be & come rescue me from my misery . i dont know why i have such bad luck with guys. you knew the things i went through in my life and you turned out to be just like them…..
Im done, I cant be lied to anymore. I cant trust you , your friends nobody around you ! You continue to lie & all I do is give in to your lies . Im over it .
If you want me, you have to fight for me. I didn’t do anything wrong. Im tired of begging you to stay with me when your the one doing wrong. Im tired of my pride being stripped from me. Tired of fighting but at the same time tired of giving in & getting hurt again. Im too the point where nothing you say phases me. I don’t cry…. Ive ran out of tears. You’ve made me into a hollow shell. Im EMPTY on the inside. Ive tore myself down to pieces for you. I gave you EVERYTHING. You dont even take my feelings into consideration. You don’t bother to ask if what you make me do hurts me…. All you care about is getting your way. Im so use to it , I get over things quickly … But you deciding to leave me because YOU did wrong … I dont know if I can take that .
Cant beilive you quick to up in leave. Ive given you ALL of me. Ive given you all of myself, Tatted your name, Wear you ring on my left ring finger. Ive made sacrifices! Ive cut people out of my life. Stop doing everything you didnt like! Why am I the one sufering?! Why is it so easy for you to up & leave when im the only one whos gotten hurt! & I still stay ! I love you to much to let you go , I guess that just goes to show how much you truly “love” me ….
ive lost myself in love, i have nothing.
im not me, im not myself.
ive changed to who he wants me to be.
& im fine with compromise, but its his way or the highway.
i can’t stand up for myself, in fear of loosing him.
i need to get me back, before this gets worse.
but i don’t know how..
i don’t even know who i am?!
i wasn’t happen with who i was before and im not happy with myself now.
it’s a lose lose situation.
i can go back to the old me and lose my one true love
or i can give in to his love and lose myself……
i need help, i need guidance…
if only he knew how much it’s hurting me on the inside…
i think thats why im so dependent on him because he’s created who i am now.
& without him, i wouldn’t know what to do.
literally.
he’s created a new version of me & i let him do it.
is love really worth loosing myself ?
it sure does feel like it.
but my heart & mind never agree so im stuck right back to where i started .
lose myself or lose him?
this was nothing i could ever imagine
to be so in love and find you world come crashing down with 3words .
“she is pregnant” , to know the one you love will be a father to another girls baby ?
do you know the feeling ?
i could do nothing but cry and even that didn’t make me feel better .
nothing in this world could replace the whole in my heart , that’s supposed to be my baby .
thats what WE planned together , now our plans don’t have the same meaning anymore .
there’s nothing special about it .
a baby is all i’ve ever wanted , something to call my OWN . something so beautiful with the man i love that we created together .
yea later down the line if we’re still together , it’ll happen but there’s nothing like the 1st born & i wanted US to share that .
this is something i have to deal with my whole life , seeing them act like a family at the doctors appointments , baby shower , the baby’s birth & birthdays for the rest of the baby’s life .
im starting to doubt how strong i am , this pain is to much for me .
i know i deserve more , but i have SO much faith & hope in him , & im SO deep in love word’s can’t even explain .
i kept asking gods for signs to show me he’s not the one for me , may this is a sign ? but feelings never leave for him .
his smile captures my heart , his eyes make me forget all the pain & his kisses keep me falling deeper & deeper in love .
bad girl
im not a bad girl , ive done some bad things yes but i could be worse right ?
i would’nt have to sneak & lie if my parents let me do the things i wanted .
if i was granted at least that i would’nt take advantage .
they treat me like i’m 5years old , in two years im going to be out the house , ive held my own job & currently in the process to have a new one , im attending school & graduating 2years ahead of when i’m supposed to . my life is planned out & all set . so when is it my turn to have fun . the things NORMAL teenagers do during summer , party , beach , sleepovers - i haven’t done any of that .
you know what , im grateful for the life my parents have given me & yes im going to start being the daughter that they want & maybe i’ll earn the right to go out . ima make things right <3 i can’t continue living with so much weight on my shoulders & anger in my mind .
ever had the feeling that the person you love could just *poof vanish away , so you watch what you say and do cause thats the last thing you want to happen but you can’t stop thinking if they want to leave but they just dont want to hurt you in the process . lets say they had a ex girlfriend that they were with for the longest time and you two got together very recently after there breakup - even though you two have a little bit of history you can’t help but think that he’s still in love with her and still wants to be with her , granted you know yourself you can’t stop loving someone so soon but the thought is still there . you fall deeply in love with him , he’s constantly on your mind and you two are inseparable YET the thoughts still haunt you so you’re very timid about what you do and what you say afraid that he might take it the wrong way leave you and return to his ex . is this truly a way to live you’re life or should you confront your partner ? i don’t want to relive heartbreak & i feel as if i’m walking a tight rope . i need for him to reassure me that he won’t leave me for her , but i’m not sure he’s even sure .
im tired
im tired of crying myself to sleep
im tired of listening to nonsense all day
constantly being judged , ridiculed .
i’ve never done anything to deserve what you put me thru , you give me no trust when ive never done anything for you not to trust me .
all days of the year & today my birthday is the day you choose to ruin for me , out of all days .
i don’t know what i ever did for you to treat me like this , then you laugh & smile & tell me happy birthday & try to kiss me .
this is why i have so much hate in me for you , you act like what you say doesnt effect me
all my life all ive ever tried to do was b good enough for you & im starting to realize i’ll never be good enough .
ive always wanted to have a good relationship with you but i realize your arent even worth the pain
you’r a disgusting , selfish , ingrateful asshole .
all you care about is you , your side of the family & how your going to survive .
what kind of “man” would leave his wife & 5 kids in a house he knows we can’t afford without him
who takes food out of there hungry childs mouth when you just ate dinner & you kid hasnt eaten all day .
you make my life a living hell .
i hate you with all i have inside .
yeah you maybe be my biological father , but the only man that was actually there for me ws my grandfather & may he rest in peace .
your a peace of shit & im done with you .
.
